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Have you ever noticed in yourself or others, that a person who struggles at something such as job searching or perhaps a phase of dating after breaking up, eventually seems to give up, and in doing so, seems to naturally land what they had tried so hard to get by a lot of effort previously?

Perhaps you were frustrated by seeing a person who is effortlessly good at some skill you’re working really hard at, thinking it’s unfair. “If only I was naturally good with people, I’d have an easier life too!” the “victim” cries.

Often the act of many rejections and failures can lead to a person giving up, and another who had the same experiences, can have been rejected so many times they simply can’t be bothered to feel bad about each rejection anymore. The latter has accomplished a type of freedom.

I. Closer To Reality

What’s really going on when a person gets rejected? In the case of a job interview, it is the belief of the interviewer that the person would not have been a good fit for the job. There was an incompatibility between the position and the person. After a romantic date, it is fairly identical. There is not a compatibility between what each person was seeking out of their romantic notions.

The most common belief after such a rejection is “if only I had done x, y, z, it may have gone differently.” You may be right, but you didn’t do x, y, z, though in reality, for all you know, x, y, z may have made things even worse.

It’s ultimately a delusion, you can’t really know what influence that particular change of action would have had. You’re also entirely free to try it out next time you’re in that situation and see for yourself what really happens. This is naturally how humans accomplish things: you try something, it doesn’t go as you expected, you try something else, perhaps it’s a bit closer to your expected, and you repeat until you reach success.

II. A Mindset Based In Reality

When it comes to taking the most beneficial and most realistic look at these types of situations, it is to live through the experience from the point of view of “what is really going on?”.

If a man or woman rejects you after you took it as far as you could, be proud of yourself. It is actually far better for you to be direct and find out right away whether the other person is available in the way you want them to be, then to spend months pretending something else and finding out how much harsher a rejection is after six months. It is far riskier to wait then to be able to say “Ah, she wasn’t interested, I’m glad I found out!”. Not knowing is far more painful, and the rejection comes much more sharply when it is delayed.

There is no type of rejection that cannot be seen in this way. It can feel painful because you imagine yourself feeling “I am opening myself up, please accept me”, but this kind of validation seeking isn’t attractive to an interviewer or a potential partner. Instead, “I am going to find out if this job or this person and I are compatible” is a much better perspective, and much closer to reality.

III. It Is Already There

Regardless of where you’re at in whatever you’re trying to accomplish, there is a perfect fit somewhere. A company that is looking for a person just like you. A man or woman who would find the qualities you dislike about yourself as unimportant, or even attractive. The most important thing to be is genuinely honest with yourself. If you’re trying to put on an act in order to guarantee validation and avoid rejection, it creates an awkward atmosphere, and it is much more likely you’ll be rejected because others sense something disingenuous about you.

In knowing there is a perfect fit for the honest expression of yourself, you will instead see rejection for what it really is, an incompatibility. Successful steps in the process to finding the perfect fit. You’ll be able to smile and say “okay, what’s next?” to yourself each time it happens.

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